(My camera only flashes when hats are on)
I want to preface this post by saying that I am well aware that I’m not the only one out there making a living watching multiple babies. I know that there are mothers, grandmas, extended family members, daycare workers, and even fathers who do this daily alongside me. However, I do think that my experience is a tad unique because of the fact that I share a relation to the babies I take care of, so therefore I can write and say things that might get an aforementioned daycare worker fired. I must admit I enjoy living in a world where I choose to risk retaining my employment by exercising my freedom of speech.
I have been on the job a little over a month and a half. These beginning weeks have taught me a whole lot. I quickly realized these babies are not only the directors, but also the stars while I am just some unrecognizable crew member fetching them lattes and French fries. As a 27 yr. old single girl being thrust into the stay at home mom role I have observed, experienced, and learned things I never thought possible. I think it would be best if we discuss my discoveries by grouping them into different content areas because being a nanny is extremely complex.
Keys to Success
I think there are many components to being an adequate nanny. But get real, who wants to be just an adequate nanny. I’ve got French, German, and Spanish teenage Au pairs to compete with so adequate is not something I speak. These are 4 sure fire keys to achieving success:
- DO NOT BREAK THE DIAPER GENIE ON THE FIRST DAY. Just don’t. In laymen’s terms a diaper genie for a nanny is like a calculator for a mathematician. You can’t function without it. If it breaks you suffer the consequences of disposing dirty diapers in outright prehistoric ways. Furthermore, if you happen to break it on the first day of employment you are an idiot and your employers will think just that.
- AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH A BABY AT ALL COSTS. Just do it. I’m not talking in the entertaining peek-a-boo hide your eyes kind of way. I’m talking about army crawling to the couch just out of their line of vision, hiding under blankets, slithering into the room to get behind ottomans, and tiptoeing around with your eyes planted on the ceiling kind of way. If you have experienced a baby looking for attention and will more than likely break out into a supreme meltdown if your eyeballs meet, you get me. Just times that by 3 sister. If you have not been fortunate enough to experience this, please don’t report me to social services.
- YOUTUBE’S ELMO’S DUCKS ON THE TV. Rinse and repeat folks, rinse and repeat. Crying ceases. Miracles happen. I rejoice! Babies rejoice! **Warning: Don’t slip up and accidentally let Ernie’s Rubber Ducky Song play unless you want crying to be heard statewide. Elmo > Ernie (Math sentences with Sesame Street characters, someone please call my doctor.)
- TACKLING AND SILENCING DISTURBANCES TO SLEEPING BABIES IS ACCEPTABLE. One baby sleeping makes things drastically easier, two babies sleeping is a pure delight, three babies sleeping do I even have to say it. One dinosaur imitating 3 yr. old undermining your dreams must be taken down. I haven’t tackled him yet, but muzzles I heard are all the rage.
Here are a few of the peaks of my journey thus far:
- I can roll out of bed into my place of work. This means I don’t have to change my clothes, I don’t have to shower, I don’t have to wear deodorant, I don’t have to comb my hair, and I don’t have to brush my teeth. This also means I don’t have to plan on meeting a potential suitor in my near future. (Sadly, this just turned into a lowlight. I’ll turn it around by combing my hair every other day, don’t fret)
- I dropped a 5 pound wok mere feet away from a sleeping baby and she wasn’t awoken. A feat that will never be accomplished again so that’s why I am okay with leaving the heavy weight lifting dish washing to my landlords.
- My hazing and rookie mistake both occurred on day 21 so now I can finally breathe again. I have been hazed in following way: while holding a baby above my head he spit up directly into my mouth. I survived so know now that you can too. And know now to keep your mouth shut around flying babies. And know now not to fly babies around on a full stomach. Secondly, my rookie mistake was a true blunder. It was like I was auditioning for a Lucille Ball nanny role. And in saying that I mean physical “comedy” ensued. I shook a bottle without fastening the nipple. Error, error, error. Needless to say, I haven’t made that mistake again. I thought that 21 days into doing something it is suppose to then become a habit that sticks. Well guess what, whoever arbitrarily chose that number was wrong. Case in point.
- I once went 6 for 7 on dirty diapers and that was before 10:00 AM. I know, Rick Barryesque. I think it’s appropriate to use the term ‘ship it for a percentage of this nature. But I actually hate that term so don’t
ship it, airmail it (again this is a battle between high vs. lowlight).
I am a child caretaker that stands up for TV watching. Who’s joining me? I obviously don’t inundate my minions with TV, but I certainly do enjoy the benefits of having access to TV all day. These are a handful of the things I have learned from my TV viewings of the past month:
- Fancy face is still as fancy as ever (If you don’t know what I am referring to get lost)
- Barney is still producing new episodes. He has a new voice which is unsettling to me, and he wants kids to know if you can’t jump rope just keep trying because apparently coordination is something you can pick up in a 22 minute time slot.
- I’ve already filled my quota of hoagie commercials for my lifetime.
- The babies can now identify a portion of the periodic table based on the symbols they have seen in the Breaking Bad credits. In addition, they can identify the elements and scientific containers needed to cook meth.
- Steve Harvey, who knew a Chicago male talk show host could be so entertaining.
- Parenthood is wonderful, that is all.
- Sami Brady is being convicted of murder. Really doesn’t time change anything or anyone in Salem?
- You want to know how to Be A Man. Ask me because I can recite the inspiring lyrics to you from Mulan.
- Jax from Sons of Anarchy and that truly is all.
I didn’t want to make this too lengthy so this is where I will end my Part One. Please stay tuned for my Part Two post on I am living in a baby world, and I am a baby girl, you know that we are living in a baby world and I am a baby girl. So yeah come back if you want some more nonsensical Madonna lyrics.