Here at the Kern Kiddie Care Academy we may live by the motto, “where a toddler can be a toddler and an adult can also be a toddler” but our rigorous standards and researched based practices are what set us apart from your run of the mill daycare/preschool center. Our students are put through a series of tests prior to acceptance so we can guarantee they are on track for the likes of Stanford and MIT. (If you would like more information on our qualification practices I recommend you view the Full House episode where Becky and Uncle Jesse are trying to figure out a preschool for Nicky and Alex to attend, then my aforementioned thought will make much more sense to you.)
Some of the qualities, I, as the director of the Academy look for in a student are:
- An ability to sing nursery rhymes off key
- Mastery in drawing on everything but paper
- A penchant for wrestling and yelling at classmates
- Unprecedented talents in the act of dumping toys out of bins, not playing with them, then dumping more toys on top of them
- A knack for staying in one spot for more than a minute
These qualities are just a few of the many that a Kern Kiddie Care Academy kiddie embodies, but I think in order for you to gain a true understanding of how our Academy sustains itself on a day-to-day basis it is necessary for me to highlight some of the important practices, policies, and characteristics found within our school walls.
First and foremost is safety, obviously. Just like the ever-changing requirements found at any U.S. airport, we too have beefed up our security at the Academy. If you have any questions about how to implement this type of security at your school/place of work, please feel free to contact me.
We place a great deal of attention on ensuring that our kiddies get a balanced approach to education and that is why each day for twenty minutes we sit and admire this wonderful piece of art. Not only can we check discussing wall paintings off our list of things accomplished for the day, but more importantly the students’ knowledge of just one historical presidential figure is growing exponentially and by exponentially I mean not at all.
Speaking of academics, our Kern kiddies design abilities with tangrams is light years beyond their age. (And we all know who we should credit for that……..why, thank you.)
We adhere to a strict dress code at the Academy.
**Violators are immediately sent to the director’s office until their parents arrive with attire that obeys the 3 – 4.1 section of the Kern Kiddie Care Academy dress code which states BELLIES and DIAPERS must be covered.
We infuse literacy and letter recognition into the classroom with this original floor approach. Which begs the questions: do we really need a solid representation of the letter M, I, or E? Or the letter K entirely? And an alphabet with missing letters is still an alphabet, right?
Our sensory table is a full body experience. It’s really the only way to experience something.
We have a mentoring program where a preschooler comes in and buddies up with our pre-preschoolers to show them the ropes. You know the ropes where sitting appropriately at a table is taught.
Our luxurious nap time accommodations rival the preppiest of the preppy dorm accommodations found at any New England boarding school.
We keep the Academy trendy by participating in throwback Thursdays through the incorporation of puzzle work with puzzles from the 70s and 80s.
Good ideas for our curriculum seem like good, fun ideas at first, but it doesn’t take long before we realize they are not. And it takes just a few seconds longer for the instructor to then declare:
“From this day forth we shall never engage in arts and crafts again. Hear ye, hear ye!”
And anyone who has ever said flashcards are pointless and useless has clearly never witnessed the terrific work we do with them here at the Academy.
So there you have it. As you can see there are many facets of our Academy that make it so appealing. And despite what looks like a day filled with dysfunction and chaos there are brief moments where the toddlers organize and somehow muster their toddlering abilities into appropriate and functional activities.
And these moments are the reason the Academy continues to stay open and thriving. That and the lenient hours of operation that the director can so conveniently enforce. And also the kisses that the director is allowed to receive throughout the day because of some strange nepotism arrangement. But by far the greatest thing about this Academy in my unbiased opinion is any opportunity I get to whisper this sentence into one of my student’s ear after they have done something particularly naughty: “One more outburst like that and you will get yourself kicked right out of the Academy and you’ve got that right, your tuition will NOT be reimbursed.” Make believe threats are always the way to go, especially when dealing with two-year-olds. I just hope the power and control I have at this moment in my life doesn’t go to my head.
If anything you have seen or read here has piqued your interest in the Kern Kiddie Care Academy, I’d gladly send you along a pamphlet with more information for you to peruse.
Director, Teacher, Nap Cuddler, Dean of Discipline, Lunch Lady and Lunch Monitor, Breakfast Lady and Breakfast Monitor, Clean Up Crew Member, and Dollar Tree Aficionado.